adulting

GChat etiquette! Let’s establish some.

I feel like a good 40 percent of my direct contact with human beings comes via GChat (or, as I hope everyone starts calling it, “Geech”). It presents its own challenges, one of which is typified by the exchange I just had with a professional contact:

Me: love you
WHOA SORRY
that was to my boyfriend
geech is a tricky mistress

12:53 PM
Caitlin: sorry, was talking to my boss about a book he’s pitching
I don’t mind a misplaced love you here and there on the geech

So. There seems to be no standardized Geech etiquette norms, although I would propose the following:

• Green status always means you are available to talk. Red means you are available to talk to the people you like and have well-established GChat camraderie with. Otherwise, red folks get a cautious, “Hey, do you have a second?” If you are actually busy, go invisible.
• Don’t ignore messages. A curt “Sorry, can’t talk!” is perfectly acceptable. This can be deployed infinite times until this would-be chatter takes the hint.
• Long pauses are par for the course, as much gchatting happens at work. But it’s great if you can type “Phone call, back in 20” or whatever.
• If you have to leave the conversation during someone else’s long pause, just say, “Hey, I had to go. Bye!” rather than just signing off.
• I, personally, do not think that capitalization is necessary. I also think that you are allowed to use really embarrassing words like “totes” if you want. This is the Wild West of interpersonal communication!
• All conversations should, in fact, be closed. Doesn’t have to drag out; a simple, “Have to run. Bye!” and then 45-second pause for reply is more than sufficient.
• This has NOTHING to do with etiquette but it feels important. If you type this: V.v.V then it turns into a little crab! Geech, I loved you anyway but oh my God.

What am I missing?

Adulting classic: Do not expect “closure”, ever, on anything

This is a sad thing to post about, because show me someone who is seeking “closure” and I will show you someone who is not having a Happy Time. But that doesn’t make closure any more of a real thing that exists than, say, kind and gentle unicorns who think you are pretty and are eager to read your unpublished novel.

Because what you mean when you say “closure” is “magical verbal bullet that will make me not feel like shit, even though I’ve just been dumped.” And that, sadly, is not something that exists anywhere in this world.

Here is how you imagine a conversation that will provide “closure” would go:

You: Why did you break up with me?

Person That Broke Your Heart: Because you were too incredible, and way funnier than I am, and I felt like you could fly ever higher once you weren’t weighed down by me. I loved you so much that it felt selfish to spend one more second with you, because you have already brought me five lifetimes’ worth of joy.

You: Oh. Well, when you put it that way. 

But if someone were going to be honest about the reasons they broke up with you, here’s how a “closure” conversation would go:

You: Why did you break up with me?

PTBYH: Because I knew I couldn’t stand a lifetime of that humming noise you make when you chew, and I’m tired of having sex with you and want to have sex with other people — people who aren’t you, and who don’t make that humming noise. Also, my mom doesn’t like you.

You: Oh. Well, when you put it that way. 

And really, his or her reasons can probably not be verbalized. Think about the last time you broke up with someone without obvious cause (i.e., cheating, substance abuse, etc.) If that person demanded an explanation, could you give one? And would you want to give one? No and no.

So wait for closure if you wish, but you will save yourself a good deal of time and angst by accepting that it doesn’t matter why it didn’t work, only that it didn’t work. Some things will eventually close. Some things will never quite close. In the meantime, all you can focus on is moving forward.

Adulting classic: Check yourself when it comes to friends’ exes

(click to enlarge)

In a perfect world, we would view the exes of friends like we do zoo animals: some you like, some you don’t, none shall you have sex with. But this world of ours isn’t perfect.

It should be said that even though I made the “Go for it” box green, it’s really more of a yellow proposition. Every part of dating someone your friend has dated is either a red light or a yellow light. But social circles can be small. And I have some exes who I would genuinely be happy to see date friends of mine they were compatible with … and some that I absolutely would not be OK with.

This flowchart, and so many more, can live in your purse if you buy the book!

On setting a time limit for things you know you shouldn’t be doing

“You know, the real reason that works is that as soon as you set a timer, you become so aware of the pointlessness of what you’re doing and can’t even enjoy it. Like, if you decide you can sleep 10 more minutes, that’s always the worst 10 minutes of sleep.” - Boyfriend Dave

Anonymous asks: “Is it ever OK to feel sorry for yourself?”

You can always feel it. You usually shouldn’t act on it.

Self-pity isn’t really a thought, it’s an emotion. And while life would be a lot simpler if we could just elect not to have a given feeling, emotions just sort of are. They are mental weather. Some are better; some are worse, but they’re all temporary and you’d usually do well to put on a scarf if it’s cold out.

But there’s a difference between feeling sad/bad/mad and feeling self-pity. Self-pity implies that you don’t deserve whatever is happening to you … which, of course, you probably don’t.

The things that make us really sad are not usually consequences of things we’ve done. The passage of time, desire for a life that is outside one’s ability to obtain, unrequited love — these things happen to all of us, and none of us “deserve” them. In this way, feeling self-pity about a given situation is not a lot more meaningful than feeling angry that you can’t breathe underwater. It would be so fucking great if we could! But we can’t.

So when you’re feeling it, do your best to have perspective on whether or not this is something you need to feel.

If your mom dies, you will probably feel really, really sorry for yourself (among other emotions), and that’s ok and completely understandable and the last thing you should do is beat yourself up for it. You probably have to spend a lot of time wondering why it happened to you and feeling angry at all the people whose moms haven’t died, and hating the world and generally digesting the big pile of emotional shit in front of you.

On the other hand, if you don’t get a promotion at work you wanted, and you’re going on your fourth day of feeling sorry for yourself … that isn’t really helpful, and you’d do best to set a timer for 30 minutes, feel as sorry for yourself as possible, then open a newspaper and get some perspective on how big this problem really is.

There’s a difference between feeling/moving through what you need to feel/move through, and wallowing. I can’t tell any of you where that line is inside of you, but I’ll bet you know the difference. When you find yourself on the wallowing side of things, get up, take a walk, watch a movie, call a friend — take yourself out of the mental space you’re inhabiting, if only for an hour.

If you would like a copy of ‘Adulting’ but are poor and/or cheap …

Goodreads is doing a giveaway!

Important: there is no shame in being poor and/or cheap. And I can say this first-hand. I’m not saying I have had my debit card declined at Popeye’s Famous Chicken and Biscuits, but I’m not saying I haven’t, either. That story (and more!) in Adulting: The Book! (see what I did there?)

Step 298: Do not look at your phone while human beings are interacting with you

Cardiac surgeons who are on-call, you may ignore this step. Everyone else:

When you interrupt a conversation by pulling out and typing on your phone, this is the implication: “Whatever this Facebook friend/Tumblr person/Twotter follower [typo but it feels accurate and therefore stays] has to say is more important than whatever you were trying to express, so I’mma go ahead and take this.”

If you imagine the phone vibrations are *that* urgent, excuse yourself and respond in the bathroom. Or be really clear that this is a mutual friend who is trying to meet up, and you are just sending him/her the address.

Song and Chore Pairing: “Nothing But A Heartache” and sorting clothes for Goodwill

First off: even if you don’t have any clothes for Goodwill, listen to this song anyway, because JESUS IT’S GOOD. The Flirtations were criminally underrated.

Anyway. There are, right now, lots and lots of clothing items that you almost never wear, and yet clutter up your closet, fill your drawers, spill onto the floor. They are not a heartbreak, per se, but they are certainly irritating.

So. Put this song on loud, and cast those unworn items out of your life forever. Then, put them in a garbage bag by the door and then next time you leave the house, take them with you and donate them. Do not let the bag full of clothing sit on the floor of your closet for the next six months; that helps no one.

Step 297: Just because your coworker sits by the printer does not mean you have to discuss the printer with them

This is a little tiny thing, and yet a good way to drive your coworker passively insane.

There is someone in your office who sits by a high-traffic area. The printer, say, or the snack table. And everyone who is pausing at this high-traffic area feels the need to engage them in small talk relating to that area. “Heh, damn printer!” “I shouldn’t be eating these M&Ms!” et cetera, every day, forever.

It is very, very likely that this person never ever wants to have their work interrupted for a printer-related discussion again, ever. They have responded to every possible printer-related small talk joke that they can. You can just quietly get your pages and go.

Also, in general: Office chit-chat must be super consensual. So if this person is giving any indication that they’d rather be, um, working, you need to respect that.