adulting

What makes a good life?

Via Andrew Sullivan, a review of George Vaillant’s book on the Harvard Grant Study, which followed (an admittedly limited/privileged) group of 268 men over the course of 70 years, checking in with them regularly:

The study, a product of the period in which it was conceived, has its limitations. Its only subjects are white, privileged men. Still, many of its findings seem universal. If they could be boiled down to a single revelation, it would be that the secret to a happy life is relationships, relationships, relationships. The best predictors of adult success and well-being are a childhood in which one feels accepted and nurtured; an empathic coping style at ages 20 through 35; and warm adult relationships. …  Mental health, as Sigmund Freud and Erik Erikson indicated, is embodied by the capacity to love and to work.

The other overarching message of this book is that resilience counts. Men with the most mature defense mechanisms—defined as altruism, humor, sublimation (finding gratifying alternatives to frustration and anger), anticipation (being realistic about future challenges), and suppression (yes, “keeping a stiff upper lip”)—were three times more likely to flourish in later life. Furthermore, men with good defense mechanisms were able to alter their paths by developing the capacity for emotional warmth and connection to others despite difficult upbringings or individual setbacks.

 

Obviously, none of us can go back in time and edit our childhoods. But we can work on those other things. So two tasks for today:

1. When something irritating/bothersome/bad happens, see if you can’t spend your emotional energy working around it rather than feeling upset and powerless. Coping mechanisms! Resilience! Wooooo!

2. Reach out to a friend who is valuable and that you love, but have not been in touch with lately.

Small traveling triumphs.

Super smart tip, courtesy of alert reader Sara: When you make a packing list, make it in Google Docs. That way, the next time you travel, you’ll already have a great template and can just modify it a bit.

By following her advice, I was able to make my packing list for New Orleans in, like, 37 seconds. It’s my first trip back to my beloved hometown since I moved to Oregon in 2008. I expect to gain 14 pounds’ worth of fried seafood weight and regress at least eight years. It will be the best.

Step 280: Never feel small or stupid for mourning a pet

When a pet dies, sometimes you try to minimize the loss to yourself or others. Maybe you feel guilty for feeling so sad, or embarrassed about the depth of your grief, or like you should be over it, since it’s just a cat or dog.

These feelings, not the grief, are the unhelpful ones. We mourn the loss of things, or people, or beings, that made our lives beautiful and happy. Don’t beat yourself up for loving and missing a pet. That sadness is a sign of your humanity.

You can channel those feelings, if it might help. You can volunteer at a pet shelter, or donate in your pet’s name, or make a little tiny shrine at your house. You can feel sad every day. And if others suggest that you should be over it, or why don’t you get a new pet already, ignore them. They do not get it and are not being helpful. (On the flip side, please do not ever say these things to someone who has just lost a pet).

Any I’m missing?

This entry was inspired by Smokey T. Dog (the ‘t’ stands for ‘the’), who is my dad’s dog, but also mine back in high school. He is such a good boy — probably the best. I said goodbye to him today, and more than anything, I wish I could take him back in time. I wish I could make him young again, so he could be our dog all over again.

A gentle reminder to those who hate Valentine’s day.

In general, if a group of people is celebrating something that you, yourself, do not particularly care to celebrate, the gracious thing to do is quietly let them celebrate while doing your own thing. Don’t barge loudly into their holiday and declare it a sham. Just sit it out. 

It’s been a while since I made a video.

But here one is! It happens to be a preview video for the book. It includes, but is not limited to:

• A blurry view of my new living room!
• Some super-sweet graphics.
• A discussion on the importance of not being a ditch-lier.
• A little bit of my cat. See if you can spot her!

Step 279: Sex with exes — almost never a good idea

“Ugh. It’s the worst. You’re feeling lonely and weird and then it’s like, ‘Hey! This probably won’t fuck me up for the next two weeks.’ And then it does.” — My dude

Postscript: When discussing this entry, Boyfriend felt like I should write a cautionary limerick that rhymes ‘ex’ and ‘sex.’ I am not going to, but if anyone else is so inclined, I support it.

A pre-trip checklist

Have you …

1.) Made a packing list, and then packed all of it?

2.) Put up an out-of-office email message, and sent a brief note to people who regularly contact you (read: your mom) to let them know you’re away?

3.) Made sure you’ve done everything necessary at work and/or laid out ground rules for how much contact you’ll be in while you’re gone?

4.) Cleaned your house?

5.) Left a list of instructions, and a nice bottle of wine, for your housesitter? And purchased extra pet food?

6.) Followed all these suggestions, if you’re heading overseas?

7.) Packed all your liquids in a Ziploc bag?

8.) Made sure that the few irreplaceable things (ID, birth control, insurance card, debit card, etc.) are with you, hopefully in the same important-things case?

9.) Paid any bills that will be due while you’re gone?

10.) Sent your travel itinerary to a select few in-case-of-emergency types?

11.) Turned off all electronics, and the heat way down?

12.) Figured out transportation to and from the airport?

13.) Given your cat or dog a tender kiss on their head and tell them to be good and that you’ll be back soon and please don’t make that face I swear I’m coming back?

I have! Back in a week. Any I’m missing?

Step 278: Know how to get out in an emergency

Important note: The Brazilian nightclub fire is a special kind of horror, and in no way am I implying that what happened was the fault of the club-goers. That whole thing is fucking heartbreaking and chilling and awful.

Here is a small, safe habit to develop that you will probably never use, but could someday make a huge, huge difference.

When you’re in a crowded place, take the 30 seconds to scope out where the emergency exits are. If you’re in a hotel, check the little diagram that shows the various ways out. Figure out, if you’re on ground level, how to open the windows. When you get on a plane, count how many rows of seats are between you and the exits, in both directions, then store that number away.

I know this sounds intense. And it is. But it’s also important.