Good news: I successfully bleached my whites, despite their nay-saying labels!
Bad news: heady with bleach power, I decided to fill up all the water-holding basins in my home (bathtub, kitchen sink, bathroom sink) with hot water and a small amount of bleach, the better to disinfect them. All was going according to plan until I took the stopper out of the kitchen sink, which is when gallons upon gallons of bleachy water poured out of my under-sink cabinet and onto the floor.
Everything has both a beginning and an ending. I accept this. I just wish my extremely shoddy PVC pipes could have ended on another night, one where I wasn’t previously feeling so proud of my adulting.