Adulting

Book giveaway winners!

Wed, 15 May 2013 22:25:54 -0700

Y’all. Y’all. There are some fantastic adults reading this blog! I read all the entries — 800+ of them — and they were wonderful, so much so that I’ve made a new blog to celebrate them, adultbecause.com. I want to get all of them up there eventually.

Also, programming note: amazon.com sold out of books (heyyyy!), but they should be back in stock by Saturday! In the meantime, B&N has it now.

On to the winners! This was really, really tough, and if it were up to me I would give every single one of you a copy, although my publishing company probably wouldn’t like that.

I couldn’t pick just five, so here’s the deal: There are five winners who will receive signed copies, and five runners-up whom I will send signed and inscribed bookplates to. Behold their glorious adultishness, after the jump!

Winners:

winequeen said: I make my bed every day, because it’s a little thing that multiplies. If I start my day off by making my bed, I do a lot of other little productive things that make me feel happier, healthier, and more accomplished.

superlionwoman said: I am a good adult because I took big chances this year: I ended an emotionally abusive relationship, moved to a new place away from everything I know, and found a job within a week. I haven’t used a credit card since, and I start grad school in August. I also show the people I care about them in little but very personal ways, and am finding out there is no reason to be afraid to say or show people that you love them.

sopranopixie said: I know to let petty disagreements drop completely and hold no more grudges or resentments. I just need time to process my frustration and its all water under the bridge in a day. Letting go is easier than holding on.

ladyluthien said: I can be on my own on a social situation without retreating into a cocoon of awkwardness and thinking nobody likes me. Cocktail parties, for example - I just float to the food and start up conversations. ‘Good olives. So who do you know from here?’

thekeri said: I have (and stick to) a personal finance plan! I’ve paid off all of my credit card debt, pay my bills in full each month, save 10% of each paycheck, and have an emergency fund with two months’ salary in it. I don’t make much, but they’re big steps.

Runners-up:

bananagrammar said: I’m great at editing. Downsizing my kitchen, closet or toxic friends list, keeping only what really matters. Growth happens every day, but only if you give yourself stretching room to do it. I also always have postage stamps. Because you never know.

themusicstopped answered: I’ve learned that being single doesn’t mean being alone. In fact, I’m pretty awesome when I’m by myself. Hilarious even!

thehopefulrealist answered: Instead of trying to one-up my friend in an argument I actually talk about the issue at hand. elizabethabria answered: I’m moving this week. I got subletters, storage, packing and moving all sorted, only afterwards calling mother to make sure I did it right!

Lily S.: I respect that a person’s choices and decisions, although different than my own, are not ‘wrong’. Just because I do something that works for me and my life, I shouldn’t apply that logic to everyone. Each person has a different lifetime of experience that leads them to each decision they make, and I should not presume to know better than them in regards to their life. I still have to remind myself of this constantly, but I’m getting better every day! It makes me a much more supportive and encouraging partner and friend, instead of a judgmental and bossy one.

elipanda56 answered: I am buying a house at the age of 21,working at a school,and have an associate’s degree.Now how to get my coworkers to look past the nerding.

Congratulations to all the winners! I’ve tried to reach out to y’all, but some of you don’t have ask boxes, so please email me: adulting101@gmail.com.

"I mend my clothes instead of throwing them out."

Tue, 14 May 2013 19:54:32 -0700

“I mend my clothes instead of throwing them out.”

- pearls-and-rubies [Adulting here: Thank you for the amazing submissions! Keep them coming!]

I loved the Book Giveaway entries (winners coming tomorrow!) so much that I couldn’t stand...

Tue, 14 May 2013 13:02:45 -0700

I loved the Book Giveaway entries (winners coming tomorrow!) so much that I couldn’t stand letting them languish in an old post. So here is the new project; eventually, I hope to have all 900+ entries up. Check it out, submit, go crazy! adultbecause.com

Song and chore pairing: "The Swimming Song" and putting away winter clothes

Tue, 14 May 2013 10:17:53 -0700

Yes, clearly, this is just an excuse to post the song that I’ve been listening to on repeat.

But! It’s also perfect for those who are ready for a brave, metaphor-filled summer. Throw this on and then:

Wash everything the way it wants to be washed; here’s the info on sweaters.
Fold all your things, put them in a big flat Tupperware-style box (or anything that closes air-tight), throw in a dryer sheet or two and put it under your bed.
Drop your heavy coats off at the dry cleaners. Not only will they come back looking new, but the cleaners will tighten any buttons and small mends that are required.

Discussion question: Why are coat buttons the WORST? They are constantly falling off, and I want to know why.

Guest entry: How to Share Your Cause or Beliefs Without Being a Total Jerk

Mon, 13 May 2013 12:29:24 -0700

Hi everyone! So the book came out last week and it’s been kind of a whirlwind since then, although I will say that I have achieved a life-dream, which is to utter the phrase “go look at pictures of baby otters” live on Fox News.

I’m sorting through all the book giveaway entries, and will have some winners announced by Wednesday; in the meantime, go check these answers out because oh man, you guys are so wonderfully adult and are slaying it out there.

In the meantime, here is a great guest entry from LeotardSanity:

The Internet is a great place to learn how not to have a meaningful discussion. Rather than respectfully sharing our point of view, any lengthy conversation on sensitive matters such as politics, religion, race, sexuality, or the Oxford comma quickly devolves into a lot of mudslinging and comparing those on the other side to the Third Reich. If you’re wanting anyone’s opinions to actually be swayed by the argument you present, whether on the Internet or in real life, here are some tips to remember:

1. Don’t be rude.

This would seem rather obvious, and yet so many people overlook it. People are not going to want to associate themselves with a group of people whom they view as being angry, mean or without regard for any sense of decency.

Acting like you’re so much better than the people you’re talking to just because you believe in God/don’t believe in God/are a liberal/are a conservative isn’t going to get you any friends either. See: why the Westboro Baptist Church has not ever been known for its evangelical prowess. Do **not** use slurs or offensive language against the group opposed to yours, if there is one.

2. Don’t mock leaders or institutions of the opposite side (if there is one).

You may think Bill O’Reilly or Thomas Monson or Barack Obama or Richard Dawkins or whomever is the biggest idiot to ever grace the face of the Earth. However, chances are the person is someone your potential convert looks up to and has for quite some time.

Making fun of them will offend the other person and help you not at all. If *insert leader here* really is that far off his rocker, your friend should see that pretty well after your brilliant argument is made, right?

2. b. Don’t ignore the existence of an opposite side.

No matter how firmly you believe this to be the case, if you act in a political or religious discussion as if your side is the only one with legitimate points in its favor, everyone you try to talk to will hate you. This is less true for something like bigotry where there actually is a clear right and wrong, but you can probably still find someone to play the devil’s advocate- only he’s serious. Treating arguments respectfully does not imply you believe them.

3. Don’t hound.

I’m sorry, but if you are always posting snarky graphics on Facebook and Tumblr, replying to any post or tweet I make with some unrelated political comment, and in my face about whatever pet issue you espouse when we’re together in person, I’m going to give you and your cause little to no consideration and may stop interacting with you.

I just don’t want to hear about it every time I try to do anything. A well phrased, mature case for your point can plant the seeds for a change of heart, but there comes a point when you must step back and let the seed grow.

By the same token, don’t lose your shit if someone moves slowly or not at all. What seems like the most obvious thing in the world to you may go against everything the person you’re talking to has been taught their entire lives, and those beliefs can be hard to change.

4. Know your facts.

If I do decide I’m interested in learning more about your issue, I’m going to have a lot of questions. You had best be prepared to answer them, because if I think you’re uninformed on your topic, you’re going to have a much harder time convincing me.

It’s also a good idea to have a defense prepared for many of the common counterarguments. Note that I use “defense” in the debate sense and not in the “getting angry and defensive” sense; refer to #1.

5. Sometimes you may need to tone yourself down.

I’m not saying don’t be yourself or stand up for what you believe, but if you sense that you’re putting your friend in an uncomfortable situation, it may be time to table the discussion for another day.

If you’re very radical, try not to hit people with the full view of your group on the first encounter, especially if they are not from a culture where they would have been exposed to such things previously. It will get you much further if you ease them in slowly rather than throwing them headfirst into a vat of things their mother told them to never do.

6. Don’t shame people for not knowing things/Don’t be offended by confusion.

This is probably the most important. Divisive topics are divisive because they are complicated. It’s important to remember that someone new to a topic will not know everything about it.

For example:

- Don’t expect someone who grew up in a situation where discussions on the non-straight community basically consisted of “those are gays and they’re going to hell” to know the ins and outs and vocabulary of the many forms of human sexuality

- Don’t expect a white person from the suburbs to be able to empathize with and understand the life of a poor, inner-city person of color without a lot of guidance and explanation

- Don’t expect someone who was raised atheist to know your given religious text backwards and forwards, and don’t expect someone raised in a religious home to know all of the scientific evidence for atheism like the back of their hands.

Expect probing and even inappropriate questions. Expect slip-ups. Expect that the person you’re talking to will unintentionally say something offensive. Do not respond to genuine confusion with an indictment of the responsible party.

Instead, gently help them understand why what they’ve said is incorrect or rude, answer their questions as best you can (or tell them it makes you uncomfortable), and keep the conversation moving. Don’t lose respect for them as a person just because they don’t know everything yet, and don’t let them think you have.

Step 303: Always have at least $20 cash on you when you fly

Thu, 09 May 2013 12:24:03 -0700

Actually, just have $20 cash on you, period. There is never a time when you’ll think, “Oh, man, if only this $20 bill weren’t weighing me down!” but there will be many, many, many times you’re glad you have it.

Related: I am in New York, doing book press and acting like an excitable country mouse. But mainly, I’m here for the book party, which is tonight! 7 p.m.! Housing Works Bookstore Cafe!

rachelfershleiser: baddrawingsofmydailylife: Being grown up...

Thu, 09 May 2013 11:03:19 -0700

rachelfershleiser:

baddrawingsofmydailylife:

Being grown up was still a mystery for them. For @RachelFersh

OMGEEEEE! Bad Drawings Of My Daily Life made a perfect illustration for our Adulting launch party!

This is so flattering and wonderful! But, from one doodler to another, this is a great drawing.

Hope to see you all tonight at Housing Works!

"With a few notable exceptions, we shouldn’t spend our early 20s exclusively writing about ourselves...."

Tue, 07 May 2013 13:27:07 -0700

“With a few notable exceptions, we shouldn’t spend our early 20s exclusively writing about ourselves. The world is big and interesting; take your considerable talent and go find beautiful things to write about.”

- Open letters to the girls of Girls, on how to be more grown-up

BOOK DAY GIVEAWAY!

Tue, 07 May 2013 10:45:00 -0700

(Amaaaazing .bmp by Editor Meredith)

Adulting: THE BOOK is now in stores! Places like amazon.com, Barnes and Noble, IndieBound, Urban Outfitters and — soon — Costco!

If you read this blog you are 91.3 percent likely (science!) to enjoy the book, which is much better organized (chapters on things like cleaning! Emergencies! Family shit!), has lots of doodles and involved a lot of research.

But! If you have no money (or just like entering contests) I am doing a giveaway. Here’s the deal: Reblog or reply, via tumblr or comments, about one way you are a good adult. It doesn’t have to be big. Just something you’re good at, that you’re proud of, that maybe you don’t give yourself credit for. Five winners, chosen by me, will get signed copies of Adulting with a note congratulating them on their adult accomplishments.

I’ll start: I am really good at being there for my friends when they’re going through a tough time. Also, I own a very pretty set of chopsticks and don’t have to use the ones that come with takeout.

Update: Oh my goodness, y’all, I love these so so much. Two favorite thus far: “Instead of posting a passive aggressive status on Facebook, I approach my friends and talk to them if I feel they have treated me unfairly” and “I’m finally LISTENING to my friends instead of adding in a matching fact about myself! It only took 46 years!” Unfortunately, this giveaway is for the US only (for now!).

See? Easy! So. What are you good at?

Step 302: Understand, deep in your bones, that if your cat brings in a dead bird, there is only one person in the world who will deal with it, and that is you.

Mon, 06 May 2013 19:25:00 -0700

Do you understand how impossible it is to sweep up the tiny, fingernail-sized feathers of a deceased songbird? The air generated by the broom sweeping up the other feathers sends the carefully, slowly constructed pile swirling gaily about, like disease-ridden snow. I think some landed in my hair.

Highschooling.

Mon, 06 May 2013 15:59:08 -0700

(Graffiti from a young lady, left after my mom shared this article with her high school students. That is a beautiful depiction of the act of whispering “pho-key-wa” to yourself whenever you leave a place, to remember that your phone, keys and wallet need to come with you.)

Step 301: It’s OK to freak out when good, big things happen

Mon, 06 May 2013 14:49:43 -0700

This big thing — maybe it’s your college graduation, or the start of a job you were really hoping for, or your wedding, or having a baby — is coming. And yes, it’s a happy thing. But it’s also a terrifying thing.

So while people are — and should be! — happy for you, it’s OK to have mixed feelings inside yourself. You can go from insanely happy to inexplicably sad to weirdly apathetic to panic attack and back to insanely happy within the space of the hour. That is the nature of freaking out — it’s everything, all at once.

In my case, it’s the knowledge that something I have worked on directly for two years (and wanted since I was a little girl) happens in 10 six hours when my book publishes. I am ridiculously happy and also so terribly frightened. It can be both.

But my friend Jessica, who is also an author, gave me the best advice: Whatever this big thing that is happening? That is not you. That is a small part of you. There are so many important things — your friends, your family, your significant other, your pet — that you can focus on to calm yourself. Because that big thing may go great or may blow up in your face. You don’t know. But the more important things? They will still be there. And you will still be you.

P.S. Thank you so, so, so much to all of y’all who pre-ordered the book. I really hope you like it. I’m proud of it.

Step 300: Do not vulture on other people's relationships

Sun, 05 May 2013 18:38:28 -0700

Friend who recently broke up with his boyfriend: Ugh. This guy keeps texting me. The whole time (ex-boyfriend) and I were together, he’d always be showing up and dropping hints, and now that I’m single it’s twice a day.

Boyfriend Dave: Oh man. He was VULTURIN’!

It’s not exactly great karma, but you are more than welcome to wish and hope and pray and cast voodoo spells against a relationship that contains someone you would really like to be with.

You can even — one time — make it clear to that person that you are into them, and if they should find themselves single, you hope you’re the first to know. Don’t touch them while you do this, because the point here is not to tempt them into cheating. You make yourself clear and hope that they extricate themselves from something that they maybe weren’t that into to begin with. After you’ve said it one time, you drop it and never speak of it again until/unless they are single.

You should not, however, be constantly pinging this person with texts and veiled invites and wheedling. Let that relationship die in peace, or thrive. It does not need you circling endlessly overhead, your creepy bald head glistening in the sunlight, your acute sense of smell picking up every sign of impending doom.

Adulting classic: Know when and how to end a conversation

Thu, 02 May 2013 22:43:01 -0700

At least 87 percent of casual, small-talk conversations last too long. The problem here is twofold:

• People are afraid to end the conversation and;
• “It’s time to end this talk” hints are ignored.

A solution to the first problem after the jump …

This is something lots of people struggle with, so don’t feel bad.

First, do not fear the conversational reaper. All things begin and all things end, including this conversation you are engaged in. And really, chances are that the other person doesn’t want this to go on forever, either.

Can you imagine spending your entire life right there, in that living room, talking talking talking to this person about sports or the mutual friend you have or whatever, both of you growing old and grey and still the conversation flows dully on? No one wants that.

So when you notice the drop-off in the mutual enthusiasm level to below say 50 percent, start to convey your intent for things to end by issuing a somewhat final-sounding statement on the topic at hand, followed by “Anyway …”

For example: “No, totally. Tom is the best! Anyway,” and here, you will adopt an expression that conveys many things — sadness that this conversation is coming to an end, gladness that you have met this person, resignation to the finality of what you are about to say — “It has been just wonderful chatting with you.”

You don’t really need to announce whatever it is you’re going to do after this (“I think I’m gonna head to the snack bowl!”) because everyone knows what time it is, and that will sound awkward anyway.

Then, let them acknowledge that they have enjoyed chatting with you, and then say goodbye brightly.

Anonymous asks: "How long should I wait before I tell my friend to knock off his sad, sad breakup Facebooking?

Thu, 02 May 2013 13:44:00 -0700

Q: My friend is posting corny “I wish I could be with you”/”I messed up”/”I miss you” pictures all over his social media pages because his girlfriend left him for what I think is the second or third time. He’s obviously hurting right now, but this whole thing is making him look selfish and clingy. About how long should I wait until I call him on his douchey desperation?

So, first things first: people can lose their minds with sadness during a breakup. Believe me! I know! You can be sadder than ever seemed possible. That sadness fills your sky and darkens everything and you just bumble around, smacking into and falling over everything. A breakup can make the sanest among us reach new heights in pathetic ridiculousness.

But … but. Someday, your friend will not feel the way he does right now. But those status messages, like everything we tell the Internet, will live on and on.

Edit: If you aren’t close friends, you should probably just hide his updates and leave him be.

But if you *are* close, here’s what I would say:

“Friend? I know you’re really hurting right now, and I’m so so sorry you’re going through this. You have a right to feel and say these things, but I think instead of broadcasting them to hundreds of people — friend, acquaintance and work colleague alike — you should say them to someone, and say them privately.

You can call or text or email me, or [mutual friend, mutual friend, relative he is close to]. And then, if you REALLY need support from a larger network, you can post a cry for help on Facebook.”

And … I’ll just leave this here.

Step 299: If you don’t have money to shop, and lack willpower, do not "window-shop" as though that’s a real thing.

Wed, 01 May 2013 18:45:00 -0700

That’s like advising people on a diet to watch other people eating steaks for a little pick-me-up.

I LOVE thrift shopping, and seeing how cheaply I can find things is part of the thrill. But when I was 22, making borderline-poverty wages, I did not have $10. I learned, the hard way, that I will always, always fall in love with something at a thrift store, and there was no point in torturing myself by finding and then having to leave it behind.

You are not going to want to shop less when you’re in a store. Don’t tempt yourself! Go somewhere that won’t make you feel sad and poor, like a park, or your equally-poor friend’s house.

Some additional very important secret GChat (GEECH!) emoticons

Wed, 01 May 2013 13:44:52 -0700

So we already discussed the crab — V.v.V (or, as alert reader penguinperverson put it, an emoticrab)— but here are some more. For science. And productivity. Scientific productivity.

\m/ is the devil’s horns, for congratulatory or Satan-summoning purposes.

+/’\ is a cowbell that rings. Because, cowbells!

[:|] is a little robot, but WHY NOT A WINKING ONE, GOOGLE?

</3 is a broken heart; deploy it when someone has cancelled your after-work drink plans via gchat.

annnnd, best of all …

>.< is a little wince that tilts her face to the side in disgust.

GChat etiquette! Let's establish some.

Wed, 01 May 2013 13:15:31 -0700

I feel like a good 40 percent of my direct contact with human beings comes via GChat (or, as I hope everyone starts calling it, “Geech”). It presents its own challenges, one of which is typified by the exchange I just had with a professional contact:

Me: love you
WHOA SORRY
that was to my boyfriend
geech is a tricky mistress

12:53 PM
Caitlin: sorry, was talking to my boss about a book he’s pitching
I don’t mind a misplaced love you here and there on the geech

So. There seems to be no standardized Geech etiquette norms, although I would propose the following:

Green status always means you are available to talk. Red means you are available to talk to the people you like and have well-established GChat camraderie with. Otherwise, red folks get a cautious, “Hey, do you have a second?” If you are actually busy, go invisible.
Don’t ignore messages. A curt “Sorry, can’t talk!” is perfectly acceptable. This can be deployed infinite times until this would-be chatter takes the hint.
Long pauses are par for the course, as much gchatting happens at work. But it’s great if you can type “Phone call, back in 20” or whatever.
If you have to leave the conversation during someone else’s long pause, just say, “Hey, I had to go. Bye!” rather than just signing off.
I, personally, do not think that capitalization is necessary. I also think that you are allowed to use really embarrassing words like “totes” if you want. This is the Wild West of interpersonal communication!
All conversations should, in fact, be closed. Doesn’t have to drag out; a simple, “Have to run. Bye!” and then 45-second pause for reply is more than sufficient.
This has NOTHING to do with etiquette but it feels important. If you type this: V.v.V then it turns into a little crab! Geech, I loved you anyway but oh my God.

What am I missing?

Adulting classic: Do not expect "closure", ever, on anything

Tue, 30 Apr 2013 18:01:53 -0700

This is a sad thing to post about, because show me someone who is seeking “closure” and I will show you someone who is not having a Happy Time. But that doesn’t make closure any more of a real thing that exists than, say, kind and gentle unicorns who think you are pretty and are eager to read your unpublished novel.

Because what you mean when you say “closure” is “magical verbal bullet that will make me not feel like shit, even though I’ve just been dumped.” And that, sadly, is not something that exists anywhere in this world.

Here is how you imagine a conversation that will provide “closure” would go:

You: Why did you break up with me?

Person That Broke Your Heart: Because you were too incredible, and way funnier than I am, and I felt like you could fly ever higher once you weren’t weighed down by me. I loved you so much that it felt selfish to spend one more second with you, because you have already brought me five lifetimes’ worth of joy.

You: Oh. Well, when you put it that way.

But if someone were going to be honest about the reasons they broke up with you, here’s how a “closure” conversation would go:

You: Why did you break up with me?

PTBYH: Because I knew I couldn’t stand a lifetime of that humming noise you make when you chew, and I’m tired of having sex with you and want to have sex with other people — people who aren’t you, and who don’t make that humming noise. Also, my mom doesn’t like you.

You: Oh. Well, when you put it that way.

And really, his or her reasons can probably not be verbalized. Think about the last time you broke up with someone without obvious cause (i.e., cheating, substance abuse, etc.) If that person demanded an explanation, could you give one? And would you want to give one? No and no.

So wait for closure if you wish, but you will save yourself a good deal of time and angst by accepting that it doesn’t matter why it didn’t work, only that it didn’t work. Some things will eventually close. Some things will never quite close. In the meantime, all you can focus on is moving forward.

Adulting classic: Check yourself when it comes to friends' exes

Mon, 29 Apr 2013 12:54:49 -0700

(click to enlarge)

In a perfect world, we would view the exes of friends like we do zoo animals: some you like, some you don’t, none shall you have sex with. But this world of ours isn’t perfect.

It should be said that even though I made the “Go for it” box green, it’s really more of a yellow proposition. Every part of dating someone your friend has dated is either a red light or a yellow light. But social circles can be small. And I have some exes who I would genuinely be happy to see date friends of mine they were compatible with … and some that I absolutely would not be OK with.

This flowchart, and so many more, can live in your purse if you buy the book!